I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. I had taken a test the day before and it came back negative. I had that hope in the back of my head that it was wrong and that I really was pregnant, but of course didn't want to get my hopes up in case I was in fact, not pregnant. So there I am the next morning in the bathroom, still half asleep, waiting for the results on that little white stick. And there it was- "Pregnant" I remember feeling scared and excited all at the same time! I went into the bedroom, climbed on the bed, which woke Trevor up-and he wasn't too happy about that-he turned over and without saying a word I just held out the test with a smile on my face. His reaction is something I will never forget. We hugged and kissed while celebrating the fact that we were parents and about to embark on this journey of bringing this sweet little baby into the world and into our hearts. At that moment you begin to wonder things like if it will be a boy or girl, what he/she will look like, names, along with all the hopes and dreams you have for that child.
In the weeks leading up to your 20 week appointment the big question is, "Boy or girl?" Trevor and I were so anxious to find out the answer to that question that we took it upon ourselves to try and find out sooner, rather than later. Our really good friend Ashlee works in labor and delivery at Orem Community Hospital and told us we could come in early and have her friend take a look on the ultrasound machine. So at 16 weeks we decided to go and do just that. After waiting for what seemed a lifetime she says, "Well I'm not seeing any girl parts so I'm 85% sure it's a boy!", which is exactly what Trevor and I were wanting first-a boy. Well 85% wasn't good enough for me so the next week I went back in just to make sure. The moment she put that device on my belly, right there staring at us were 3 distinct lines-or a nice little hamburger patty as some like to call it. Trevor and I had joked about, "Oh what if we go back in and it's really a girl." Well Ashlee's good friend sat there and said "I would bet $100 it's a girl." So of course over the next 2 weeks leading up to my actual ultrasound appointment, Trevor and I studied those ultrasound pictures for hours and hours. We looked up ultrasound pictures of boys vs. girls online and from what we found, we weren't 100% convinced our baby really was a girl. So we decided to go into our appointment with an open mind (So basically Trevor and I are pretty much experts at telling from the ultrasound pictures if it's a boy or girl so if any of you out there find yourself trying to decipher if that is in fact a little "hamburger patty" or "turtle", send your pictures our way and we will be able to tell you.)
So it's now two weeks later and we are in that dark room of my doctor's office ready and eager to find out exactly what this little baby is going to be. Now of course every new parent wants and prays for their growing baby to be healthy and for everything to be growing right. You know that at this appointment not only will you find out what the sex is, but they will also be checking to make sure everything about the baby is looking "normal." But in all honesty those thoughts are in the back of your mind because in some ways you feel like your baby and you are invincible. Because everyone around you growing up have all had "normal" healthy babies. And the chances that anything to do with your sweet precious growing baby aren't right, well those chances are slim, right?
So the ultrasound tech takes a look and says, "That's a boy if I ever saw one," and she continues to measure HIM, all the while Trevor and I are saying things like "We knew it was a boy!" And then that's when life smacked me in the face with what is really important. The tech begins to tell us that everything looked great except that the ventricles in his brain are too big. At that moment a million thoughts flood into your head, but you know one thing and one thing for sure-anything to do with their brain is a big deal. We proceeded to ask her "What does that mean? Will he be okay?" She told us she couldn't give us any answers and that we would need to talk to my doctor, but that in the past 2 months she had only seen one other case like this that just so happened to be that same morning. And then she informed us that the previous couple was scheduled to meet with specialists the next week and that would most likely be the case for us.
So there we are at the beginning of a very long waiting game that lied ahead. My doctor wasn't in the office when we received the news but within the hour we were sitting there facing him, waiting to receive more information. He begins to tell us that he had already called Maternal Fetal Medicine at St. Mark's hospital and we had an appointment with a specialist in an hour. Which really freaked us out because the couple in the morning wasn't scheduled to see the specialist till next week-so what was so pressing about our situation that we had to be there within the hour? He continued to tell us that he didn't know why the ventricles were enlarged, it could be that he had a tumor in his brain, possibility of down syndrome, other types of mental disabilities, among a whole list of other possibilities. And at that very moment you realize that all along who cares what the sex of the baby was going to be. All that mattered and will ever matter is that this growing baby is healthy. And at that moment is when I felt completely guilty. Guilty for letting the majority of my thoughts be consumed by "girl or boy", and not having had been more concerned that everything about this growing little baby was healthy.
Trevor and I held each other in the car crying. We didn't have any answers. We didn't know why this was happening and wondered if he was even going to be able to come into this world. It's hard to put into words and convey all the emotions I felt in that moment. So we headed to the hospital and put on as much of our brave faces that we could. They did another ultrasound and then informed us that our son had what was called ventriculomegaly. It was mild but if the ventricles continued to grow in size then that could mean a number of things for our little boy. If however, they stayed the same size then that could just mean that is how the ventricles in his brain are going to be, and he will be just fine. And of course, best case scenario is that the ventricles reduce in size over time. The specialist gave him a 70% chance of everything turning out just fine and for our baby boy to be healthy. We then had to wait 4 weeks to go back and measure his ventricles.
I can easily say that those 4 weeks were the longest 4 weeks of my life, along with Trevor's.
It's sad but it seems like that pattern for many is that when faced with challenges in life we turn to our Heavenly Father much more than when things are going just fine. Over the course of the next four weeks Trevor and I constantly were pleading with our Heavenly Father to watch over and bless our little boy. We were attending the temple every week seeking for peace and comfort. We turned to numerous conference talks and scriptures to find words of wisdom. In all of the fear I felt, even from the moment we found out about his condition, I surprisingly felt calm beneath the storm raging inside my mind. I just had this overwhelming feeling that our son was going to come to us, however he may come, because WE are who the Lord needed to raise this sweet little spirit. The spirit witnessed to me that everything was going to be "ok" even though I didn't know exactly what "ok" meant, and I was fine with that. A big part of that came from a conference talk that will forever be close to my heart called, "But If Not." Go read it. Now. I know it will have as profound an impact on your life as it has mine, along with Trevor's.
So after those 4 weeks that seemed like a lifetime we went back in. Words can't describe the kind of emotions I was feeling at that time and all the different kind of thoughts that were running through my head. We were just about to find out if our son was in the category of the 70% who will be fine or the 30% who could end up with mild to severe handicap. As hard as I knew it would be to find out he would be in that 30%, I walked into that room being at peace if that is was what my Father in Heaven had in store for me. They measured both ventricles and the right ventricle had gone down to .9 which was considered to be normal, but his left ventricle was still at 1.1. So we then had another 4 weeks of waiting to see if the left ventricle would decrease as well, but all in all the fact that the right had gone down was a good sign. So Trevor and I could take half a breath of relief.
Over the next 4 weeks there was still countless prayers said, along with us seeking refuge at the temple and finding strength in the words of the scriptures. I can easily say that this is one of the hardest trials, if not the hardest, that I have been through in my life, and it is in these trials we come to know the amount of God's love for us. I felt it in the people around me, some who I didn't know past a "Hi" who offered words of love and comfort to Trevor and I, and who let us know that we were in their prayers. We could not have gone through this without the amazing family and friends that we have. They truly helped to make our burden a little lighter, and I will forever be grateful for that.
So 4 weeks later there we are, back at the office, me getting that goop put on my belly...again, ready to measure those ventricles. The right measured in at .6 and the left… .9!!!!! I burst into tears! Trevor and I had our prayers answered. I sat there thinking we were in the clear and that all was finally well. And then that's when the specialist brought to our attention that in the course of them watching and measuring his ventricles, they had noticed he wasn't growing at the rate he should be. So they asked me to come back just to be safe.
Going back I wasn't too worried. I just figured that he was small and it wouldn't be anything too alarming. They informed us that when measuring his overall size it had been declining week to week. His legs measured right on gestationally, but his head was about 2 weeks behind in size, and his stomach was 5 weeks behind. They ran a few tests on the flow of the umbilical cord and the amount of fluid and it was not good. I don't quite remember the numbers but I do remember that it was bad. At that point they told me that in 2 weeks they wanted to see me again and if things were the same or worse that they were going to need to induce me-at 34 weeks. I at that point then needed to get a steroid shot for his lungs and I had to be seen twice a week for stress tests to make sure that he was doing okay and that the levels of the fluid and umbilical cord weren't putting him at risk. They also shared with us that Briggs was asymmetrically small, and because he was asymmetrical in size that indicated that he was getting little nutrients and when that happens the nutrients he did get went straight to his brain and vital organs first, and he in turn sacrificed his belly fat and that is why his stomach was measuring so far behind.
So there we were again, faced with the unknown. I have decided through all this that I really don't like not knowing what is going to happen! Haha.
Over the next few weeks my stress tests came back normal and at healthy levels. So come 34 weeks they decide to give me another 2 weeks and check back then-all while still doing my stress tests. And the same at 36 weeks they decided to give me one more week and check back again. So at 37 weeks they let me know that I couldn't go past 39 weeks because with an "iffy" placenta if you go past 39 weeks the chances of stillbirth increase immensely. I realized in that moment what a blessing it was to have his ventricles be enlarged at our 20 week appointment. Because had they not then we would have never seen a specialist, and if I hadn't been seeing a specialist they never would have been watching his growth as closely as they were, and if they never had been watching it that closely who knows if I would have gone past 39 weeks and what would or could have happened.
Thursday, April 3rd, I went in for my last stress test. The numbers didn't look good at all so they said I was going to need to be induced that night. Which posed a problem because my grandpa's funeral was the next day, on Friday, and I really didn't want to miss that. That final chance to say "Till we meet again." So Trevor asked them to take the measurements again, and this time things looked normal and they gave me the ok to wait till Friday night to be induced which meant I could attend the funeral.
Looking back on my pregnancy I'm still amazed at how much of a roller coaster it was. Having to deal with the passing of my two grandparents all while being faced with our son's health problems was a very soul-stretching experience.
But we wouldn't have had it any other way. Trevor and I feel that being faced with that trial was Heavenly Father's way of preparing us to be the type of parents he wanted and needed us to be for Briggs. I had my testimony shaped and strengthened in ways that no other experience could have. I felt just how much my Father in Heaven loved me through that experience and I was shown the people who will always be there for me, to help strengthen me and lift me up. And from that experience the words my mom has always said to me growing up were proved to me. That "we can do hard things."
